Just a tad tired

Whilst last night started with tears followed by a very chilled out Alby who was happy enough falling asleep but just didn’t want to leave my embrace, this evening was quite a different story.

Alby was quick to accept that the mummy milk was gone without much incident and we moved on to reading a number of bedtime themed books I’d taken out of the library earlier today.  We then put on his new projector which plays annoying mechanical lullabies to moving images projected against the ceiling (I’m going to take it to the jewellers / clock place in Thirsk and see if they can disconnect the music without damaging the light or projector as the light show is brilliant and Alby loved it).  An hour and a half later having read every book ten times, played with the projector, drunk his bottle and squirmed constantly the tears came on. 

By now it was 9:30pm, we were both totally shattered and after five minutes of crying I thought the only way this is going to end if I don’t feed him is with him crying himself to sleep.  Stopping the bedtime feed was never intended as a cover for controlled crying and so, lying side by side, accompanied by kisses and strokes Alby fell asleep feeding.

I’ve never been good at moderation.  Once I commit to something I see anything that waivers from the course as a failing; set backs aren’t minor blips but rather a cause to right everything off.  This evening I’m having to work hard to remind myself that this was never going to be a smooth path.  As Alby and I both learn a new bedtime routine there will be trial and error.  We need to negotiate with each other and be open and responsive to how the other is feeling and adapt and change.  I need to be realistic with my expectations; it took three months to establish the old bedtime routine, this was never going to be a fait accompli in one night.  As I said yesterday, the proof will be a month down the road and even then it will likely still be a work in progress.

As for now, I’m bloomin’ exhausted and my bed beckons.