Random ramblings: the reunion

I’ve just spent the past week trying to think of the right way to say to Mark “Alby will cry if you pick him up” and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no nice way of saying it.

I can’t even begin to describe how much I would love it if, on coming home, Mark is able to pick Alby up in a big hug give him a big kiss and for Alby just accept it.  That would make my heart so so happy.  As a parent that’s what instinct tells you to do: you see your child, you love your child. 

But I know that Alby won’t accept that.  I know that if Mark tries such a move Alby will burst into tears and scramble to get away and regardless of how prepared Mark may be for such an outcome I know it will break my heart if I see Alby respond in anything but a positive way to his daddy.

What we're hoping to avoid

Alby warms up to people exceptionally slowly.  This little man is on his guard and has been from day one.  Christmas was really good for Alby, whilst I came down with a heavy dose of present unwrapping fatigue Alby got used to having different people all around and different hands touching him and picking him up.  He didn’t totally drop his guard squirming away from many many a lap to run to me, but he treated his cousin and Mark’s cousin to a reverse sit and cuddle and by the time we were ready to come home he would happily go to my parents rather than to me during dinner time. (This was a real treat as it meant somebody else had to share their meal with him and somebody else had to try and eat with their cutlery and plate a meter away less Mr Grabby Mitts managed in his aim to turn over the plate.)  However, it took three weeks to get to that state despite my parents having been constants in his life from day one and regular babysitters in the build up to Christmas.

And so, eager to avoid heartache on any side I have thought long and hard about how we play the first 48 hours of Mark being home. 

In my mind, I’ll be able to pick Mark up from the airport and we will be home around 5pm.  On getting into the house I think Alby will run to me and I think we make sure that Alby is in my arms for when he says hello to daddy and that he stays in my arms until he wants to get down again.  And once back on the floor that I make sure I am in the same room as him before I take him up for bath and bed, whilst daddy has a lovely warm beer in front of the telly!

The next day, which I’ve taken off work, I think we still have to remember to take it all very slowly. Mark needs to think about whether Alby and I go to our music class that morning and whether Alby should go into nursery that day.  Regardless of how the day plays out, I think Mark should try his hardest to act as though Alby is a naughty, scared dog; don’t go to him but rather wait until he comes to you. 

Alby and daddy - as it should be

This will be a challenge for us all, not least for me.  I have the patience of five year old at Christmas – I know that I’ll keep wanting to rush things and will throw both Alby and Mark off as I bend my own rules.  What I find so hard is that I never wanted to be the key person in Alby’s life.  I remember so vividly when my niece was about 2 years old, she fell over and was crying and her dad went over to comfort her.  He wasn’t good enough.  Only mummy would do.  I hated that, I hated how dad’s get the raw deal and was so keen for Mark and I to share everything so equally.  And now look at me, writing a post which basically says “step away from the child”.

On the one hand I don’t know what I’m worrying about – Mark will be so enamoured of Percy that Alby won’t get a look in for the first few days.  But on the other I know how desperately I want acceptance by all and with all.  I want Mark to be proud of Alby and amused by Alby and not too bitterly disappointed that I have raised Alby to be a total thug.  For Alby I want him to be relaxed with his daddy and accepting of his daddy and for him to be as physical with him as he is with me.  I know that by the time Mark goes they will be that close unquestionably, I just hate that for the first part it will take effort and forethought and agreement and patience from us all.  I guess it’s all about teamwork, thankfully that is something that Mark and I can do, sometimes even exceptionally well.