Today a friend made a comment on Facebook about how hard it
is to strike a balance between work and her little one. Her comment reminded me of the months and months of internal
dialogue that I had over my own return to work.
In many ways the decision was taken out of my hands. The move to Yorkshire
meant that I couldn’t return to my old role.
I was offered a slightly more junior position which I could do part-time
and from home. I wasn’t going to get as sweet a deal anywhere locally and with
Mark’s deployment coming ever closer returning part-time to a role I was
confident in was perfect.
However, the fact that it all turned out well didn’t stop
months of questions and analysis as I went through a full on identity crisis.
From as early as I can remember I knew that I would do my A levels,
go to University and go to work. I had
big plans for myself too – a high powered international job in the UN or
similar. Ahhh, aren’t dreams special…
I love work. I love the
satisfaction of seeing a job through to completion. Of the ownership of work. I love being part of an office (even
remotely). I love typing away at my computer. Yes there are days when I want to throw my
computer out of the window and pack it all in but, for the most part, I’m
somebody who genuinely gets pleasure out of work.
And in my head the two went hand in hand - I was brought up
to believe that not only could I do both but that it was my duty to do
both. With such strong views in mind,
prior to having Alby I was under the very firm impression that I would head
back to work full-time after Alby was born.
And then I went into work for a catch up with my maternity
cover when Alby was just three months old.
A half hour chat led to a three hour strategy meeting and I drove home
thinking “no way, I’m not going back full time”. And with that conclusion my whole sense of
self started tumbling.
(I feel the need for a disclaimer here lest people think
Alby is solely responsible for my little head spin. The move to Yorkshire
and the relationship between Mark’s career and my career play an equally
important role in causing my sense of self to unravel, but more on that another
day.)
What strikes me now is that Western society has never been
able to produce an image of women which actually allows balance. Generations ago women were “the weaker sex”,
their place was in the home and their education, which was dubious at best,
focused on keeping house and being an accomplished lady (which, if Jane Austen
is to be believed centres on being able to play the piano forte and hold one’s
own at cards).
Today, women are meant to demand the same position in the
work force as men. Education is now
totally focused on preparing people for the city (potentially with the
occasional game of hockey or rugby thrown in).
Articles are written in the hundreds about how there aren’t enough women
in Board rooms or senior management (and there aren’t). The trouble is, alongside all of these
demands is an equally powerful rhetoric demanding that we all ensure balance in
our lives. And that’s an impossible aim
if we spend our entire lives striving for one extreme or the other.
There actually aren’t enough hours in the day for women to
equally split their time between work and child care. Babies are awake for around 12 hours a day,
the working day is 7 hours long (and that doesn’t include time taken to get to
and from work). The only way to have a
perfect balance requires the working day to become shorter – and that’s
universally shorter (what we do at the moment is just make it shorter for women
and with the reduction in hours comes a reduction in involvement and
opportunities, thus eroding claims of equality).
Sadly, the number of hours in a work day isn’t suddenly
going to change. And so women have to
make a choice, or as it is so often called “a sacrifice” – more time with their
child or more time in the office? Which
way we choose to go depends on a huge array of practical and sensible factors
in addition to personal wishes and wants.
For me, I’ve managed to come up with a solution which works
for the moment and that’s all it has to do.
At some point in my future I’d like to have another
child. At some point I’d like to return
to work full-time, maybe even in a high powered role, maybe even in
international affairs.
With each new step I will no doubt be starting this
conversation again as I make my future plans based on what type of mother, wife
and person they allow me to be. I’ve
turned my back on articles citing how hard it is for women to get back into
work after a break – only time will tell.
I have to have faith in myself and in my family as they are who I will
ultimately have to answer to.
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