Random ramblings: juxtaposition

I had two posts I wanted to write this evening.  One was going to be in tribute to the creativity that has come from my fine hands over the past two days. The other, well the other was on something quite different.  And as I mentally drafted each post, pondering the title, thinking about any funny quips which could be introduced, considering where I can drop in a bit of humility a Bon Jovi song got stuck in my head which pretty much sums it all up:

Welcome to wherever you are

This is your life, you’ve made it this far
Welcome, you’ve got to believe
That right here, right now you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

Hand trees and footpring glow worms - I am no artist

So where am I?  Well right this minute now I’m standing in the kitchen waiting for my cornflake chicken nuggets to finish cooking.  I’m touched – these were specially requested by one of the nursery workers for tomorrow’s end of term Easter Party.  Today has also seen me finish off both Alby ‘s and my “farewell  and thank you” cards for the Glow worms staff, make an Easter bonnet for the parade (well, Alby’s interpretation of a bonnet), get Percy prepped for Easter and do a spot of washing up and laundry too.

Today also saw me respond to Alby emptying his box of car toys across the living room floor, pulling books off the shelves and stamping a rice cake into the carpet by turning on my heel and making myself a cuppa.  I can’t take Alby swimming tomorrow because we’re going to be at the garage getting the car fixed (no heating, squeaky brakes, blown headlight and oil change required) but it doesn’t really matter as no swimming means Alby can fully participate in the previously mentioned Easter party. Why can’t he just get into the party spirit after swimming I hear you ask?  Good question. Well, that’s because the nursery is closing at noon and so I’ve got the day off work and Alby and I will spend the afternoon preparing for our weekend guests and packing for the trip South. 

Right here, right now my life is a juxtaposition.  On the one hand I’m feeling enthused by my productivity.  I’m not claiming to be some brilliantly arty type person – far, far from it.  My teacher and I were equally relieved when I dropped art when I was 14.  However, I had job to do, it’s been done and I think I’ve done good. The house is a bit scrappy around the edges, but I’m mostly on top of it all.  And my son is running, dancing, giggling ball of energy – it’s brilliant and I’m blessed.

On the other hand, I’ve hit wall in this whole deployment malarkey.  I hadn’t quite realised that’s what it was until I was out walking Percy this evening.  We didn’t make it out until 7pm, (yup, that is indeed Alby’s bath time – I was hoping you wouldn’t notice).  It was pitch black, snowing again and Percy was being particularly indecisive about where he wanted to go.  Light relief was found in bumping into my neighbour out walking her three dogs with her nine year old son.  She greeted me with “I’ve hit a wall.  I’m over this deployment already.”  Hello to you too.

But she’s right.  What I thought earlier on as I faced a floor covered in rice lumps, crumbs and dust was “I think I know how depressed people feel.”  Now, before anyone starts getting all uppity let the record show that I am absolutely not depressed in any way, shape or form.  Let me explain...

As I looked at the mess on the floor I thought:

I should really put Alby in the highchair and give him a proper meal

And then I thought:

I should really sit on the floor with him and make a game with these toys.

And then I turned around and put the kettle on.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this over the past two weeks.  Since the sickness bug a month ago Alby’s dinnertime has been a bit rubbish with him essentially dissing my meals in favour of a feed.  And I’ve accepted it. 

The finished product - cornflake nuggets!

My reaction isn’t about me being some super chilled out person.  It’s not about me being relaxed or proactively encouraging free spirit within my son.  It’s that I just couldn’t do it; I couldn’t muster the energy, the willpower, the wherewithal, the anything.  I made a drink and went back to sticking tissue paper to a baseball cap.  And I thought depressed people probably feel a bit like this – aware they aren’t in the healthiest of head spaces, able to see opportunities for light relief or even serious relief and yet just unable to take that step.  I know that once Mark gets back I won’t just be stepping, I’ll be leaping, but for the moment, I’m over this deployment! 

All that said, applying a little bit of brain power to the dinner issue yesterday has already garnered some encouraging results, but more on that another day.  For now, my chicken is cooked, laundry  spun and dishes ready to be put away. (And if you were worried about the state of the living room floor fear not, Alby was very helpful when it came to putting away his toys and we had a good round of bumper cars a la hoover and baby walker as we vacuumed up the crumbs). 

Alby thoroughly unimpressed with his bonnet

Bullbunny - far more accepting of Easter