Giving men a break – an essay

A friend posted a link on Facebook to a brilliant article called “Why women still can’t have it all”.  It gives a very frank and intelligent account of trying to balance being a high powered business woman (and I mean high powered) and also a mother.  (It’s a great article if you fancy putting aside an hour to read it all: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/#.UIgSdS1VLSU.facebook)

Somebody commented on the article to the effect of “only men have it all”.  Eager not to get into a public debate on Facebook I decided to defer my comments to this blog. 

The comment annoyed me. A lot.  Whilst I totally agree that women can’t have it all and I suspect that throughout my life I will be reviewing and reassessing where I position myself on the sliding scale between work and family, not for one minute do I think that Mark “has it all”.  Nor do I think that my brother or my father before him, or any of my male friends are going through life thinking that they have it all. 

Men, from time in memoriam, have gone out to work whilst the women stay behind with the children.  Mark, and all the other men I know, have grown up thinking that they will get married, have children, work during the day and spend weekends cheering on their children at whatever extracurricular activity takes their fancy.

I don’t imagine that Mark, on finding out that I was pregnant, thought for a second about how to balance work and family.  That he has to go to work at 8am and return home at 5pm is how his life is whether we have no children or fifty.  As is a seven month trip to Afghanistan.  Does he think that is “having it all”?  Of course not.  Of course he would love to spend more time with Alby and with Percy.  Of course he doesn’t want to be away from his family and friends on training exercise after training exercise, but that’s his lot and he accepts it and gets on with it.

Women on the other hand have spent the last few generations challenging that traditional image. And rightly so (don’t get me wrong I’m not anti-feminist) I was brought up to believe that I could achieve and do whatever I want.  I was taught to strive, to push myself, to enter the workforce and find my place within it.  I wasn’t taught to be a mother, in fact nothing in my schooling referred to the idea that I might one day have to raise a child. 

In contrast to Mark I spent my entire pregnancy and maternity leave trying to work out where I wanted to position myself on that sliding scale between work and family.  I found this a huge question, one that challenged my very core; querying who I am and what I want out of life.

And the discussion isn’t over.  I’ve made peace with the situation I am now in but I know that when we have a second child I will have to rethink it all again, and that when Alby is in school I will rethink it again, as I will when dealing with the after school years.

I think that for women there will always be a discussion over balancing work with family.  I think its right that as women we challenge the past and that we choose our identity.  I wish that today women had the confidence to not only make a decision without feeling guilty, but also to change their minds, constantly, without feeling guilty.  (No doubt testosterone injections will be needed to accomplish such).

But let’s not give men a hard time just because we are challenging our history.

Yes, let’s challenge equal pay, fight for greater respect and work towards better representation of women in all walks of life (including nursery rhymes – more on that another day).  But let’s not pretend either that men in high powered jobs, or even just mediocre jobs “have it all”.  If you’re leaving home before your child wakes up in the morning and not getting back until your child is in bed then you’re not having it all either.