It has become apparent that I have been spending the past four months or so in a fairly deluded state. My subconscious has been under the false impression that come 5pm, when Mark returns home from work, I can relax. In my mind his presence marks the arrival of a helping hand, somebody who could take over Alby play, Percy play and all household chores. What utter tosh.
Very worryingly it has taken me a good long time to work out
how deluded I have been. Even more
concerning is the husband abuse that has gone on recently in this house as when
my expectation isn’t met I turn quite quickly into a grumpy teenager – tired,
irritable and somewhat monosyllabic for
at least half an hour. Not quite
the happy family fantasy I had when Mark was away on tour.
This isn’t a husband bashing post. More it is about the arrival of greater
awareness. The appreciation that in the
same way 3pm doesn’t suddenly mean my brain turns off from work, walking
through the front door doesn’t equate to Mark suddenly divorcing himself from
all other thoughts and emotions linked to the day. Similarly in the same way that I’ve got my
own agenda for the afternoon, so does he.
When he gets home the first thing he wants to do is get showered and
changed, something I wholeheartedly support in this gloriously hot British
Summer weather as army uniform, heat and sweat do not a good combination make. He
wants to tell me about his day, he wants to tie up loose ends, he wants to
crack on with the list of chores he’s been thinking off whilst at the
office.
And so today I ask for a touch more strength, discipline and
good humour. The ability to not just
give up at 5pm but to look at it as the next chapter of the day. To set aside that time for a bit of a pause
in my life, so that rather than expecting Mark to fling open the doors and just
pick up from where I’ve left off, he can have some time to sort himself out so
we spend the whole afternoon working as a team, rather than having an initial
grumpy half hour before we remember to be nice to each other again!
Because we do love each other very much and for us the idea
of the person is never as good as actually having the person there.
I am so glad that the awareness has come now, it took me years. Being a couple is not easy and has many ups and downs (really). i am also just a little surprised that what you have witnessed for years did not have a stronger impact but that also makes me feel better for not noticing it. Dad comes home, disappears upstairs for shower (no hello) reappears and asks questions but does not listen to answers. Conversation is "odd". Mum disappears upstairs for shower! or goes grocery shopping. An hour and a half later things are back to normal (strange shit).Our recipe for what it is worth, conjured up in Cobham when Dad was doing a lot of travelling but not dissimilar to Mark's life was to make sure that one evening a week we dropped all the hats and labels and tried to be lovers again. Table laid as in a restaurant, nice meal, wine, candles, music, followed by film (in those days rented) and lots of cuddles. I am not saying it always worked but it mostly did. xx
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